Paris is Burning

This weekend was very chill. I went out to tempations which is not tempting one bit. I hate, absoultely detest that place, except for the darts. Its so boring and dead. I dont understand how it does so well. But I met a really cool older lesbian who I totally picture myself being like when I am old and gray. Her house was a total fixer upper that she is doing all herself. Her kichten was very cool and retro. I love 50's diner stuff. Faren gets on my nerves but I love him. He has some major issues thats for sure. I always think I am screwed up then I go hangout with one of my buddies and I realize I am not so bad. lol. I love him though. We went and ate all you can eat shrimp at red lobster.. .... Mmmmm.
Other then that I have made a decision that I can't do the whole freind thing with Maria. I am just too emotional for that yet. I respect all those out there who are able to be freinds right away with ex's but their are too many fresh wounds for me. I am totally normal and fine on the phone but as soon as i hang up I feel, really, really low. Sergio made some great suggestions its just so hard to move in the right direction when the back of your heart/brain is always being pulled back by the meaningless conversations. I have always been honest with that and I know what I am capable of and being freinds at this point is not an option. The crazy thing is when your with someone so long, your in a routine that is super hard to break all things related to it. I sent her a mean text telling her to lose my number. I wish I had money to go on some sort of sabbatical. Mountain hiking or something. Oh well I will get over this slump and soon be laughing at myself for feeling blue. I just hope its sooner then later.
relationships are risk and I don't think I want to invest for a really long time.