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changing my life

Posted on 2010.06.13 at 21:58
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: New Orleans
Moving to California made examine my life. Good and bad. I don't want to make a blanket statement and say that the way I have been living is all wrong because in order for me to get to this place where I am at now I needed to travel down the previous road. But, what I have learned is that family is so important. Immediate, cousins, and creating my own family *having babies*. For so long I took my anger out on them and felt like they were evil for not loving my gayness 100% but what I have learned over time is that who gives a fuck. Live your life for you and be you 110%. (Sorry for all the percentages) I am so lucky. I never have had a hard time making friends and creating new connections through my humor and love. I haven't had much luck in the BFF in department. Almost seems like a revovling door. I had a very close friend who I recently just discovered who was a true blue bitch ass. I know bitch ass isn't the most eloquent but he couldn't see beyond his world. He thought he was living life but he wasn't, he was just projecting his world of issues onto others. I don't want to spend this whole post on this person because this post is really about me evolving. I decided I am going to head to South and do things that don't revolve around being gay. For the last ten years I have confined myself to a bubble. Under most circumstances a bubble can be a good thing but this bubble I have been trapped in so negative and powerful and unhealthy. I have been living my life like a stupid blinded gay man. I haven't been living life the way it is meant to be lived!!! I love music, art, people, comedy and so much other stuff. Why have I made everything about being gay. At the end of the gay people are just people and the odds are against me. Being that only 10% of the population is gay and most people suck, shit how much of that is left with gay people. Most people are contrarians and don't listen. So I am choosing to start over at the same time work on those true friendships I have created over the years. I am tired of always listening, I got something to say now. Now on to the love of my great city. I was sold a bill of goods by a snake oil salesman. I now know the truth about my city. It is flawed but it is home. I look at cities like New Orleans, Houston and Nashville. They have heart but aren't overtaken by this cheesy idea. Chicago is a secret great city that doesn't need a constant overflow of miserable alcoholics to function (San Francisco). I will not be that asshole that says San Francisco sucks but I will instead say Chicago is better. I feel sorry for Californians they can't see beyond themselves. At the end of the day I am a hard working, family oriented, music obsessed, cultural enthusiasts. I love my life and I am so blessed and so happy to be going HOME!

sis boom baa

Posted on 2007.05.09 at 16:57
I dont even write in this thing anymore. I have been converted to myspace and I feel guilty for it. The funny thing is that this LJ is so private. I have no friends on here but yet I choose to write in such a public space. I haven't ready anyones journals in forever. Its good to see what everyone is doing. Everyone is happy and thats all that matters.

peace

who knew?

Posted on 2007.02.27 at 00:44
My stomach is really upset. I feel so sick. Ever since after I ate lunch, I started feeling sick. I hope I don't get some sort of bug. This sucks.

Give it up to those that matter

Posted on 2007.01.22 at 20:21
I have a new job. I am excited. I am now working for Baird and Warner. The interviewing process I have gone through the last couple weeks was exciting but can I say emotionally draining. Driving all over earth, spending my precious gas dollers, getting up at the crack of dawn, meeting shitty scam recruiters who wasted my god damn time... wooooo breath. The thing is through out this whole process I cant say enough blessed I have been to have the most amazing woman in my corner. Sarah did so much for me and b/c of her I did get some great opportunities. She did nothing but to support me in all of this. I am so excited to take a trip away and really get a chance to romance her. She deserves it. I definitely have something planned for her next month that I hope she will love. Between her and god I honestly felt like I would jump off a building with where I was at.
Sarah has helped me see my potential. I am now working in Evanston, living in Evanston and pretty much doing everything else in Evanston. I am now officialy a true Evanstonian..lol. Thats not even a word!!

Heart be still

Posted on 2007.01.04 at 19:53
Current Location: home
Current Mood: sadsad
Things arent moving fast enough in my life. You ever want something so bad, you can taste it? I want out of my job! Just the last month-ish has been rough on me. Something good, then something bad. Work has been a bitch. A wonderful opportunity arrize. An invite for a weekend away. Marcus and Scott invited Sarah and I. For me a free weekend is HUGE! I don't have alot of extra income. I have been waiting for a chance for us to do something like this. I just find that its hard to explain these situations to Sarah. When it comes to getting things done a certain way we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. My life has been fit with sacrifice. I am not a martyr but it has. This is what happens when you grow up on a lower income family. It has taught me to appreciate those little things and to not forsake those gifts. So a free weekend and the only costs to us is going out to dinner with Marcuses mother, hah done deal. Plus the idea of being in a hot tub and beautiful scenery. I understand there are other committments but you do what you have to do. Get it done! Sacrifice is so important in life. My favorite phrase is "make it work" I think I am Tim Gunn sometimes. I don't know its something that just bugs me. I guess what I feel one should sacrifice isnt always right. I am not saying don't do homework but get it done early, during the day any free time so we can go this weekend but I guess that is too much to ask. Im foolish. It just sucks man. This weekend I am going to release some pressures and try sign up for a spinning class. I am just emotionally charged and it hurts a bit.


Its finally over!

Posted on 2007.01.02 at 08:08
Current Mood: contentcontent
WE had a new years eve party and it was a success. A lot of people showed up and it was wonderful. Everyone loved our place. If they only knew the hardwork we put into it at the last moment. I can honestly say I feel so great about my life. I love Sarah and fall more and more n love with her everyday. She takes care of me in ways that I could only dream of. In my past I kind of realized something. I was with very selfish people. I am not blaming those former ex's for everything. I was selfish also. I work on that everyday to not be that person. I find myself doing everything in my power to be a positive person and not let dumb bullshit get to me. Getting back to new years. I love my friends. It was awesome. The funniest thing for me was at about 3 am we looked at the mantel and noticed our little cute black angel was turned around to face the wall. lol... I guess we were doing wrong. I wish our camera worked b/c pictures would of been really worth something. I had a great job interview last week and I am hoping it will turn into a second interview. I tried to blow them away with my expereince and persnality. If its meant to be it will be. It definitely lit a fire underneath me. I want to find a job that is challenging, opportunity to advance and financially worth what I am doing.
Wish me luck.

why you own me like this..

Posted on 2006.11.25 at 13:18
I don't know what my issue is. I have so much to write and say but I have zero desire to write. I have so much inspiration for new short stories but I haven't done it. Thats why I am buying a lap top with my tax return. I am still in Texas. Its just been wonderful. The weird thing is that I am totally not sick of my family yet. I used to be around my family and want to murder them by the end of the day. I guess as you get older you appreciate those little moments you get. Nicole (sister in law) has pretty confided in me and my sister this whole trip. She gets really annoyed with my mom. Don't get me wrong my mom is annoying. She can be over bearing, bitchy, rude but... she loves her grandkids so much. Every morning my mother gets up at the crack of dawn and makes them breakfast. She goes to all there practices and games. She LOVES THEM SOOOOO MUCH! I know Nicole still harbors resentment towards my mom from when my brother and her got together but its been 11 years and its time to move on from it. I always thought of Nicole as a bitch but I see her differently now. She is very sensitive! she is still a bitch but its b/c she is so sensitive. A lot of things that come out her vocabulary are "she hurt me' "that time when you hurt me" lots of use of hurt. It makes me see her differently. Moving on...
Last night we all went out clubbing. OK I am going to be a snooty chicagoan right now. The clubs here are mad cheesy. I mean everything in Houston is built around a mall setting, but the diversity is awesome. I love it. Every place we went there were black, whites and mexicans together. Nicole grew up here and told me about when she moved to Chicago that is was hard for her b/c she was used to being cool with every race. She would go up to people and say hello and hug everyone and people didn't know how to react to her. They all thought she was this fake ass bitch. She told me the way she grew up the rich people she met were black people. She told me that when she was a little girl her dad introduced her to this woman "Nicole this a princess, her name is Okeinawah. She is from Nigeria" Nicole said she was the biggest black woman ever and she was dark and beautiful. She didn't know anything about Princess Diana. Okay back to the club. we got there and it was actually fun. but I never in my life have had my ass grabbed as much as I did here. This big huge black dude grabbed my hips and pulled them into him, EWWWW. I felt some sort of hard object poke against me. I was like, get the fuck off of me. Besides the prodding it was a fun night. We all laughed and bonded. Tonight we are heading to a gay club called Chances, lol. Oh my goodness. all in all people in Texas a way nicer. You bump into each other and people are like sorry. Can I buy you a drink.
I miss my baby so much. Its actually been a lot harder then I thought. I think about her a lot and can't wait to get back home to her. I am excited for us to make a home together. God Im such a dyke.

confused injustice

Posted on 2006.11.16 at 17:42
Current Mood: contentcontent
Things are quite and peaceful except for my usual fires that burn inside of me. In conversation with Sarah I kind of realized I am little bittered towards straight girls/bi chicks. I dont know why b/c I have never been personally hurt by one. (like they are objects) Actually while examining I am realizing most of the women I have dated have been former bisexuals or I was their first woman. In almost all the cases, they all stayed with women. Including my evil ex g/f who swore up and down that she was straight now has found true love with another woman. (i know this b/c of myspace) anyways I think I want to work on this issue. I can't explain it. Like I totally have this shitty attitude towards them. Well not bisexuals, bicurious girls. Bex is one of sar's good friends. This girl is awesome and way fun. She is married has a curiousity for the same sex. the other day she made a comment about not touching a woman below the waist. It took a lot for me to not say anything but I held my tongue ( I was drinking and didn't want to get into a deep discussion over this) anyways this totally annoyed me but what can I do. thats her preference. I dont know why I am even examining this issue. I have been this way forever. Ej sent em an email the other day commenting about my hatred towards straight girls. I mean I have known the guy forever. I don't want people to think that of me. I just don't have time for stupidity towards my sexuality.
Things are going well with me and sarah. I want to say that these last few weeks have totally been a reminder of how much in love I am. I mean I went through a weird period where I was scared to make future plans with her but now I feel differently. I think she has proved her loyality to me and shown that she can be trusted. God I sound like a diva. I just need to feel confident and comfort in my relationships. When I am feeling full trust it makes me a 100% better as a lover and partner. Im just so freaking happy. I am going to Texas for only 5 days but I am going to miss her so much. Its just super hard for me to not be a stupid dumb girl and move too fast in my relationships. I want to be mature and make good decisions in my relationships. I want to be that person that my g/f can gush about. enough about that. My brain feels really blank these days. I have a constant headache. I hope I get to go swimming while in Texas. I can't really swim but I want to get in some water. I want sun to beam down on me. My sister in law is taking me gay clubbing. I hope all the girls there don't dress like her and wear stupid off the shoulder shirts..lol.

I aint going to listen to you no more

Posted on 2006.11.06 at 22:48
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Hawthorne Heights - the silence in black and white
So my brain is a little fried. Its not so much a bad thing. It means I have been thinking a lot.. I am so god damn happy.. That damn Ted Haggard. WE GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CRAZY FUCKS! sorry I had to yell. The Christian right likes to quote scripture but they manage to pass over the ones that point fingers at them. It says in the bible your not a the judge. God wants us to love and accept. NOT CONDEMN. Thats why there dirt keeps surfacing. What you do in the darks comes to light.
6 months ago I watched Haggard bash my people (gays)or as the evangelicals call us. HOMOSEXUALS. I was telling someone that I hated that word. I didnt understand why I hated that word. I always hate when people call me homosexual. Its b/c growing up in a very religous home and the church I went to condemned homosexuality. They always would say "homosexual this" "homosexual that" so I associate that word with hateful shit. The way they spew anti homosexual venom. You know what too, those motherfuckers wont even have a dialogue about homosexuality. They use the "god has the last word" as there reasoning for not debating or discussing the issue. Its hard for me dealing with this b/c I am a somewhat religious person. I pray often and spiritually I have left so much of my old self behind b/c of the anti gay rhetoric. I dont know, you catch more bees with honey then vinegar. Those piece of shit evangelicals are the most ignorant.
by the way....I vomit on Reagans grave. (thats for you sergio)

Real life aint no joke

Posted on 2006.11.03 at 05:17
So pretty much this week has been a struggle. i have had many challenges that have come my way but nothing that I can't handle. Gonna get all gospel, "the lord only gives us what we can handle" My boss is a dickhead. He treated me this week like shit. He didn't even give a shit that my granddaddy died. So him I say fuck you.
My grandfathers funeral is on Saturday. I have been pretty selfish this week. I feel bad for it. I haven't been taken care of my moms like I should. tomorrow I took the whole day off to help her put in the final prepartions. My mom will be blessed for everything she did for her dad. I wrote the obituary and I think its pretty damn good. I have a feeling I will be going at alone without Sarah and thats fine. She is dealing with a bunch of her own stuff, which includes dealing with losing her father not too long ago.
My sister is keeping everyone in line when it comes to the estate and how things will proceed. I really love my sister. She is amazing. So much has happened but I don't have the energy to write in this thing.. I think I am going to take a break from LJ...


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